Stop asking heavily pregnant women with a huge bump if they’ve had their fucking baby yet

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I am a heavily pregnant woman – in fact I am officially one day overdue now. I have a massive bump protruding from my midsection that is probably visible from the International Space Station. So, why the actual FUCKING FUCK do you insist upon coming up to me, fondling my Jupiter-sized uterus and asking me if there is ‘any news’ yet?

Are you actually listening to the words that are coming out of your mouth?

‘Yeah mate – had it ages ago.’

‘However, I enjoyed it so much that I promptly shoved it back into my clown hole so I could go through the whole thing again a week on Thursday.’

Why does everyone who is over the age of 55 think that it is perfectly acceptable to rub my belly and talk utter shit?

While you’re at it, do you fancy a go on my milk-filled mega-inflated shirt potatoes as well?

Let me introduce some biology into the mix here.

Big bump = baby still inside me. No more bump and baby in view = baby not inside me any more.

The final stages of pregnancy already have me in an absolutely foul mood, so what I would really, really, REALLY appreciate is some prat in ASDA asking me if I know what I am having.

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I’ll tell you what you’re having. A broken fucking nose if your bony fingers get one millimetre closer to my tuppence.

 

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