This soft play centre serves alcohol – THIS IS NOT A DRILL, REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL

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One of my friends sent me this photo today that they took at a soft play centre in Essex because it serves ALCOHOL – this automatically makes it the best soft play centre in the entire freakin’ universe.

Forget about the facilities. Forget about the range of activities. Forget about the toilets. Forget about the entry fee. Forget about whether or not the management will ask Jemima-Jemimah’s mum to leave when her precious Jemima-Jemimah is witnessed knocking seven shades out of someone a third of her size at the bottom of the slide.

This is Monkey Bizzness Soft Play in Hockley on Eldon Way, and just to confirm, THIS SOFT PLAY CENTRE SERVES ALCOHOL THAT WILL APPEAL TO BOTH MUMS AND DADS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. REPEAT – THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

Let’s face it – there are times when a latte just won’t cut the mustard.

Provided that you have reached the venue on foot, surely it is always Wine O’Clock?

Just spent twenty minutes identifying your toddler’s sippy cup because every parent in the entire sodding United Kingdom was decided to buy the same one? Un bon vin blanc! 

Just had a fellow mother threaten to inflict the four horsemen of the apocalypse on your first-born because he ‘may’ have pushed their darling offspring in the face? A tinny will do nicely!

Just had thirty mums set up some sort of biohazard exclusion zone around your child because he ‘coughed twice in quick succession?’ Anything ‘top shelf’ please, it’s all good.

Before you all go jumping on your high horse (you’re all parents, we wouldn’t expect anything less), the word on the street is that their alcoholic beverages are more for all-adult centre bookings and the like, but it’s nice to know that the option is there.

I am also reliably informed that the onion rings soak it all up a treat …

Monkey Bizzness Soft Play can be found on Eldon Way in Hockley, Essex, and you can check them out on Facebook here.

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